"Take it all down, Christmas is over,
but do not despair, but rather be glad,
we've had a good year, now let's have another

Remembering all, the good times we had."

-relient k, boxing day.

well. i survived. it was an interesting christmas. starting at midnight. i got home, and i was just destroyed. the entire weight of where i was hit me, and i just lost it. then, after about an hour of being miserable, i thought bigger than myself. i remembered just how lucky i was, and how i wasnt the only person far from home, not even the only person working christmas. so, i picked myself up, walked to walgreens and bought about 20 dollars worth of candy to give out to the workers. security and bus drivers mostly, though security wouldn't take it. then i gave it to any people i could find who shared the face i had had about an hour earlier. it either made them think, "wow, that's really nice" or, and this is equally, if not more likely "who is this crazy guy giving out candy at 2AM. when i finished, i went to bed. woke up this morning, went for a run in the gray, december rain, and then watched a christmas movie, complete with a call from my family to make sure i was awake so they could open presents. i was also late to work, because i got lost in my day. work was good. i worked our night show with one of my best friends out here, and it made it a very pleasant christmas day.

i'm now, a week away from leaving here. from packing my life into suitcases and flying cross country. christmas was just another blip, and i'll make up for missed family time when i get back. the new year is now, also only a week away (technically less.) i'm ready to say goodbye to 2009. not to say it was a bad year. fuck that. 2009 has been a very good year. but, i'm ready to be in to 2010. new years always have a ton of promise. although, 2009 is gonna be hard to let go.

i've talked to my family each of the past two days, and it's very clear that they're just as ready for me to be home, as i am to be home. even if it is only for a few days, and then i'm back to school. but school is much closer. and that's a good thing.

i'll be able to get through the next 7 days, knowing that the end isn't that far, and i've got quite a few people waiting for me to be back.

and i'll remember that Christmas, it makes way for spring...

i didn't know what to say.

"i didn't know what to say
merry christmas baby,

merry christmas baby,

merry christmas..."
12.23.95- jimmy eat world.

It's weird. in 8 days i'll be getting on a plane, and going home. i knew that the next few days weren't gonna be easy. i knew that. i knew, that deep down, being so far from home, and every stinking holiday tradition was going to suck. i knew that i was going to do all i could to make the best of it and not mope, like i did for thanksgiving. unfortunately, that hasn't worked so far.
it has a lot to do with a lot of things. thanksgiving, i had just seen my family, and mom and dad were on a cruise, greg and erlinda were just getting back from their honeymoon and KP was KP. but i didn't really talk to all of them. tonight i did that. i talked to my entire family, and realized just how much i miss them and how much i wish i was sitting at home with our friends and family, but can't be.

this is coming off whiny to me, so i'm gonna end it with this, I'm sure at some point, i'll stop being homesick and realize how much of a growing experience christmas 2009 was for me, for now though, i don't know what to say,
except,
merry christmas.

two more weeks.

two more weeks.
14 days. (technically it's 13 now. thanks florida time)

i made it through another semester, albeit the most untraditional semester i've had to date. passed school successfully and am on par to finish school in MAY of 2o1o. wow. that's a reality that still has to sink in. I have a lot to do between now and then, a lot to soak in before stepping on the plane out of Orlando. at some point soon, i'll start writing my closing paper. which isn't something i have to do, it's something i want to do to sort of wrap up my time here. if i like it, you may see it here. if i don't i'll probably still hold on to it, in case you find yourself wanting to see it. but that's a few days away.

it's not going to be an easy 2 weeks. a lot of work, packing, stressing, and hopefully fun, but that could be more difficult to squeeze in.

two weeks stand between me, and going home. from there about 4-5 days between home and school, a new apartment, old friends, good times, and hopefully an amazing 5 months in flagstaff. but for now, i've just gotta do what i can to soak up all that i can for the next 14 days.

wish me luck...

Tell Me Six Months Ago

if you were to go back
six months time, and find me
tell him all about me six months from then

i'd never have believed you.

i'd have stared at you and said
there's just no way that's true
i'd have asked tons of questions
but i'd never have believed you.

if you were to to tell me,
i'd be where i am, i'd have done what i've done
i'd have called you crazy,
but i'd never have believed you.

if you had to tell me,
who i've turned into
i'd be damn surprised,
but i'd never have believed you.

i'd never believe you.
but now, i think i do.
I'm damn proud,
but i'd never have believed you.

even if it means i had to miss you.

I'm proud as hell of myself for once.
i've never been one to admit that legitimately.
but i am. that's something i've gained.

and i'm happy about that.
even if it means i had to miss you*

i've lost around 60 pounds.

i've started taking care of myself.
eating right and working out.

and i'm happy about that.
even if it means i had to miss you.

it hasn't been easy.

a lot of days have been a battle.

i've made it through, and soldiered on.

and i'm happy about that
even if it means i had to miss you.

i know you missed me back home.
and i missed you too.
but i learned i can make it.
and i'm happy about that,
even if it means i had to miss you.

i've done a lot of things.
i've seen a lot of stuff.
i've been a lot of places
and i'm happy about that,

even if it means i had to miss you.

in 3 weeks i'll be done

i'll be back with my friends, and home with my family
but i've come so far, i'm so proud of myself.
and i'm happy about that,

even if it means i had to miss you.

*the title and phrase came from a conversation i had with bryan a few days ago. it's saved in my drafts so i can look at it over and over. that's how important it is to me.

a moment of thanksgiving.

this year: Today: i'm thankful for friends. family. even though they're both far away. they're there. food. Even though it won't be mom's cooking. a table to eat off of. even though it won't be home. opportunities. Those who serve. in any manner. a streets shift for thanksgiving. the new, the old, and everything in between. but most of all. I woke up this morning. and that's something to be thankful for everyday. what's yours?

maybe i've been the problem.

maybe I've been partly cloudy,
maybe I'm the chance of rain
Maybe I'm overcast,
and maybe all my lucks washed down the drain

switchfoot - stars

the past couple of days, have reminded me of how much i like it here. how great it was at the start. how awesome it actually can be. it's not always. nothing is. I've got a couple more months here. it boils down to about six weeks. I'm so excited for that time to be done. to go back to home. and my second home. to friends in the same apartment, down the street. to family a 5-6 hour drive away. to cold. (oh how i miss thee cold.) to school. to having my own room even if it is just a loft. (true for both places.) i'm excited to see the faces, the places, the things, i've grown to miss.

but.

i'm not done here yet. i've still got some time left. i'm absolutely going to make the best of it. space mountain just re-opened (mostly) and i've heard that the holiday fireworks here are astounding. besides, i'll be working a bunch. and doing hw. and hopefully having a social life of some sort.
people keep saying i'm gonna miss it. i've met a lot of people here. i realized that today. and while, most of them i know, only through work, it's still nice to know people here and there.

i'll be working a lot soon. working just about every day for a while including, christmas, new years, and thanksgiving. which, shit, won't be easy for me. i've spent everyone of those with family. (or friends close enough to be family) for my entire life. but i guess this is part of growing up. thanksgiving would have been different anyway. my brother and his wife are going to start making their own traditions, and reasonably so. my mom and dad are going to be on a cruise. i'm going to be here in florida. it's gonna be weird to be working it. never done that before. I'm talking to bryan about it. thanksgiving 2009, will be unlike any thanksgiving before, and with all likelihood unlike any thanksgiving that follows it. but who knows. maybe things will start that last as personal traditions. because that seems to be the theme this year. i'm not gonna sulk/ i'm gonna do my best not to sulk. that's not productive.

i've got two more months. i'm gonna do everything i can to enjoy them. to let it be what it is, but also do my best to make it what it can be.

alone and i'm in between

"when you're older,
you might understand
then again,
maybe you don't
then again,
maybe you won't"
-trust me, the fray

it's been 4 years.

it's been four years since Daniel Parker Brown took his own life.

i know it's a small gesture. but i miss you buddy. even four years later.

turn yourself around and come on home. . .

"somethings in this world
they don't make sense
somethings you don't see until they leave you
they're the things that you miss you say
baby baby baby when all your love is gone,
who will save me
from all i'm up against out in this world,
and maybe maybe maybe
you'll find something that's enough to keep you,
but if the bright lights don't recieve you
turn yourself around and come on home."
-matchbox 20, bright lights

it's good to be home.
and it's even better to know that home is gonna be there.

tomorrow

at this time, i will be back home.
i'd write something insightful, wordy, and heartwrenching,
but right now, i'm just excited.

and i'm just gonna go with that.

nobody ever had a dream round here

"but i know that i can make it
as long as somebody takes me home,
everynow and then
everynow and then. . . "
-the killers, sam's town

last night, in a night i would categorize as one of the four worst nights i have had in my disney experience, i did not step foot off of disney property until 4:06AM.
well, here's the sad, sad story of unfortunate events
1. somewhere in the night in which i was scheduled from 6:15PM - 2:45AM i lost my id.
2. somewhere around 247AM i realize i lost my id
3. somewhere around 250AM the bus we had to specially request leaves disney's hollywood studios.
4. somewhere around 3AM tim searches hollywood studios for his id.
5. around 320, tim gives up.
6. tim goes to the bus stop, praying a bus comes
7. around 324 tim calls bus dispatch
and is told that one was on the way.
8. around 354 tim calls again and says where the fuck is my bus!!!!
9. around 406AM my bus finally comes, getting me home around 435AM.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand
that's the series of unfortunate events that is my life.

the whole time i was there, waiting, i was freaking out. sitting alone, on a bench i've sat on hundreds of times, but only one other time completely alone, and never once that late, that dark that well i won't say cold, because honestly this is florida, there is no cold (which friggin blows bytheway.) i was freaking out. it was as if the entire world i was used to was gone, replaced with a dark, unforgiving wasteland.

i'm alive, unhurt, and minus the serious sleep deprivation that will define the past 2/next 2 days of my life, largely unaffected. that's my life.

in 11 days, i go home. i'm very, very excited for it. it's kind of going to be a big deal trip. the brother gets married. i get to see friends and relatives that i haven't seen in months, some in years. i get to go back to cold weather, green chile, and hopefully at some point, the happy little house at 9 tablazon lane, where i spent so many years growing, living, sometimes doing nothing more there than sleeping (aka the last 10 days i spent in albuquerque.) what's odd about this trip is that, when i think about it, during the last 3 years between school's starting and thanksgiving i saw my family so very sparingly. maybe a visit for family weekend, and of course a trip for thanksgiving. but where this is different, is i've been here since may. usually between finals in may, and opening day in august, i'm spending a ton of time with my family. seeing them all everyday. ok, maybe not all of the fam, but seeing the fam on the regular. when i decided to go to florida, i threw that all out the window. i've seen my mom and my sister for a total of 3 days since i've been here, haven't seen my brother or father in months. i've talked to both of them, but talking only gets you so far. i think that's part of why i'm so excited about going home. i could literally sit here and list every reason i'm excited to go home, but it's nearly two thirty, i'm tired, plus, i don't really think anyone wants to read that. I am a little nervous though. i've lost a lot of weight since i was last seen by my family. i want someone to comment. i know it's shallow, i know it's petty, but i want someone to make a statement like "wow, you look great" or something like that. damn it that's vain.

i'm also nervous about leaving home. my mom cried when she dropped me off at the airport back in may. it was hard to leave. now, going home with the end in sight, but the hardest part still ahead of me, it's gonna be hard to come back. it's gonna be harder to get on that plane than it was back in may, it's gonna be hard for me to do.

but i know that i can make it, as long as somebody takes me home every now and then.

as i flip through the pages.

I've written roughly 100 blogs.

to be fair, a lot of them have been no more than a paragraph. a lot of them have been pointless drivel. a lot of them, from the heart. a lot of them never made it to the big show. they've seen me grow. physically, emotionally, spiritually, intelligently, and just about every way. they've seen the best of hope, the worst of despair. the best of me, the worst. the strongest, and the weakest. they've seen me post, only to take it away for feeling too whiny. there's been one who was tagged (bathrooms, life, love.) they've surprised me. the ones i feel really good writing, tend to slip un-commented. the ones i never feel as strong about, those are the ones everyone jumps on, and talks about. they're just words, but at the same time, they're so much more.

i guess i don't really have a point here. i thought i did. but i think i just needed to acknowledge that 1oo blogs later, this still means something to me.

do you believe in what you want? (II)

around 5 months ago, i wrote a blog titled "do you believe in what you want" it was in the days leading up to this experience. i was so pumped, so excited, so proud, so ready. that was a rare blog, in that it didn't slip by uncommented, like a lot of them do.

"Pretty bold claim to a question without a definitive answer, one which seems to have the exact opposite answer in some parts of the world... but I digress.

Godspeed sir - you will need it. I hope all is well!" - bryan p.

when he wrote that, he was a couple weeks into his own journey, his trip to guatemala.

"see of everyone who called,
very few said, we believe in you
the overwhelming choice said,
i'm just a boy inside a voice AND
if it's true, if it's true, if it's true,
then what the FUCK have i been doin
the past six years"
-fun, take your time (coming home)

everyone seemed excited for me. but very few said "we believe in you." am i saying no one supported me? no. please don't take it that way. it's just that none were as vocal in their support as bryan. and i appreciate it. each time it's brought a smile to my face. thank you buddy.

"i don't think i've been misled,
it was a rocknroll band
i'm still standin"

Aim and Ignite by the band fun. has not left my shuffle since it came out over a month ago. the two ends (and everything in between. (although Benson Hedges has been))of the album could stand to be shouted at the top of my lungs. in fact, they probably should be. i've lost my voice out here. not literally. i can still talk. but i don't sing. it's distressing. those who know me, even many who don't, will see me walking about campus with my headphones singing along. for whatever reason, i don't do it here. at least not often. at school it's basically always. here, basically never. it's rare. usually, at the end of the day is when i can find my voice. when i'm so tired, so frustrated, so done that i just don't care. take your time, and be calm though i can typically sing at least parts of out loud. i can't wait to be back in a place where i sing. so looking forward to getting on a plane and flying the hell out of orlando. packing my bags, packing my belongings into 3 large suitcases, 2 carryons and one personal item. lugging them all out of the apartment, getting them into the shuttle back to the airport, security, flight home, unpacking, repacking, the drive to flag, unpacking again, settling in, and starting over.

i'll put it up there again.
"spinning, and spinning
do you believe in what you want?
dancing - in plastic shake up snow
do you believe in what you want?"

this time, i'm not as sure on the answer.

When the Wheels come down.

"Well i wanted something better man,
I Wished for something new
and i wanted something beautiful
i Wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason man
Something to lose

when the wheels come down"
- wheels, foo fighters

I've always loved the foo fighters. from my first exposure in my brother's car listening to "the colour and the shape" to my increasing love of them, to trying (and failing) to get the first copy of the new album, to seeing them live (still one of the best nights of my life.) they're by far my favorite band, and have the closest thing to a favorite song i can ever claim (everlong) this new song though, sounds so unlike any other foo fighters song. believe me. i have 173 foo fighters songs in my library, and the only way you could possibly tell that this song is still the foo fighters is dave grohl's voice. but it works.

around five months ago, i packed my bags, got on a plane and flew to Orlando Florida. i wanted something better man. i wished for something new. i wanted something beautiful, i wished for something true. at the start, it was all of those things. it was better, it was new, it was beautiful, it was true. then things changed. it still can be those things, but never with the same luster it had at the outset. now i'm looking toward the end. looking forward to the wheels coming down again. this time in albuquerque. and then letting the wheels roll on to flag. i'm a child of the southwest. i've realized this. I can't stand the humidity, i can't stand that the night sky is starless on a good night. i mean what's the point of having night if there are no stars. i can't stand that the closest thing to decent mexican food here is chipotle. i always thought the bright lights of a big city were what i wanted out of life, but no. give me stars on a quiet night over a bustling skyline anyday.

"when you feel like it's all over
there's another round for you
when the wheels come down."

when the Orlando Experience is all done, there'll be another round for me, as soon as the wheels come down.

A Mid-September Night's Dream.*

"Even when you've paid enough
Been pulled apart or been held up
Every single memory of the good or bad
Faces of luck
Don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose
But to be yourself is all that you can do"
-audioslave, be yourself.

everytime i hear be yourself, or any of Out of Exile really my mind goes back to November 2005. in all honesty, november of 2005 was without a doubt the most difficult month of my life. i remember the thursday morning. the early morning phone call, my dad breaking the news to me, the drive down the hill with be yourself playing, having to stop at the bottom to wipe the tears from my eyes. just repeating be yourself, over and over and over. that whole drive. school that day. shit. i was a mess. no one understood why i bothered to go that day. but i had to. i had to be myself. it was all i COULD do. but i couldn't. i was a shell. all day i debated, go to the funeral, or stay and go to the camp i had planned on going to. it was a decision i couldn't make. it hurt my mind to think about it. it felt wrong to not think about it. we had NHS inductions that night, and as soon as i could i split for the parking lot, where ian and i discussed everything. i'm pretty sure that he was the only one who understood me that day. he understood that i needed to destroy some electric candles. needed to do whatever. i finally decided to stay back. i'm still not sure to this day, this day nearly 4 years later, whether i made the right decision. i think i did. there was more in store. feeling alive and rejuvenated i returned to an empty house on sunday night. it was 4 years ago, so i was all about myspace. i checked it for the first time in days and took another hit. one of my classmates, who was due to graduate in may, just like me, had taken his own life. i couldn't understand it. i remember the next day. suddenly, everyone had the same face i had had 4 days earlier. suddenly, we were all one body, doing our best to be ourselves. it was all we could do. i'm not sure why this is so heavy on my mind right now. i was/still am thinking about archiving this until november.* this would make more sense on the anniversaries of these dates. the next year, we lost my grandmother in November. November has recently been a relatively dark month for us. on November 7th of this year, we'll have something to celebrate in november, something other than thanksgiving. my brother will be the first of the young tribous to be married. it's exciting.

four years ago, november took a dark turn. this year, november takes a very positive turn. and for that, i am very excited.






*writers note- this blog was originally written in september. hence the name and the reference to shelving it till september.

silhouettes

"and i'm looking through the glass
Where the light bends at the cracks
And I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
Pretending the echoes belong to someone
Someone I used to know"
-the postal service, we will become silhouettes

i'm not the most transparent person i know. there are times where you can't read me to save a life. there are other times, where i wear it all on my face. excitement, anger, frustration, shock are four that tend to show the most. my co-worker Ben always says he can tell when something went wrong with something i was doing, because my face just shows it. sometimes it's hard for me to hide how i'm feeling, but sometimes it's so easy. i guess it's not necessarily a bad thing. on the worst day i've ever had at work, my face was blank. it was so many things puddled together to just completely block any emotion from my face.

i was debating titles and themes for this blog post (while i should have been focusing on my homework) and transparency came to mind. i remember learning in my younger days about transparent and opaque. how transparent things you could see through, but opaque you can't see through. water would be transparent. milk, opaque. i don't know if we're meant to be transparent, but i don't think we're supposed to be opaque either. i think we've got to show a deal of it.

i picked silhouettes, because silhouettes or shadows are the best image i can put together for my mind. because sometimes, shadows are pretty true to the person. but sometimes, as the sun sinks lower toward the night sky, the person is stretched, skewed, shifted. events can stretch, skew, or shift us. the question is, who will you be when the sun sets and the shadows are gone. will we be someone who's standing tall, or running for the shadows to catch up with the silhouettes of who we see. there's a fine line between showing everything on your face and being a total silhouette.

i think i'll work on being somewhere in between

not everyone here

*disclaimer: this post will contain profanity. sorry.

"so don't let the world
bring you down
not everyone here is THAT FUCKED UP
and cold
remember why you came, and while you're alive,
experience the warmth, before you grow
old."
-incubus, the warmth.

i can always fall to incubus' the warmth whenever i need it. because sometimes i need to be reminded that the world isn't that fucked up and cold. that there are people who are good. there are people who understand the work people put in and appreciate that same work. people who don't a)complain about how dirty the restroom is and then B)complain about how long it takes to clean that same restroom. people can be: rude, disgusting, terrible, awful, cold. but not all of them. and not always. sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath and remind yourself that not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.

now, it's the morning after. i had a dream about a waterpark and a dog last night. it was probably the happiest dream i've ever had. it couldn't have come on a better night. i think i need to go to the waterparks soon.

The days just slip and slide
Like they always did
The trouble is my head
Won't let me forget
-the killers, why do i keep counting?

the trouble is, my head won't let me forget. as much as i want to just be done with yesterday and all that came with it, my head won't let me forget. but, i also remember the dream so anytime i think of yesterday, i'll just replace those thoughts with thoughts of the dream with a dog, and a waterpark. that should work?

Take your time (coming home)

"One more thing, I keep having this dream
where I'm standing on a mountain
Looking out, on the street
I can hear kids in low-income housing singing
"We're through with causing a scene"
I don't know what it means
But I too, I'm through with causing a scene."
-fun, take your time (coming home)

since tuesday i've been trying to figure out a way to wrap a blog around a lyric from fun's Aim & Ignite album. finally as i walked about at work today and had take your time stuck in my head, i realized it was probably the best fit.

it's amazing to me thinking about it, about a year ago, i got a phone call on a thursday afternoon. it was my soon to be boss asking if i was still interested in an RA position. without hesitating, i accepted. within two days, i was in my new room, my new building, my new life. little did i realize exactly how much that split second decision was going to change me. the change had nothing to do with the RA job itself. because the work i did there was basically meaningless when it came down to it. it came down to the people. i met some of my best friends on that staff/in that building. people, that existed before i met them. people that if i hadn't met them would have just been people. people that i miss more than anything else about flag. even though it's gonna be a while before i come home, i will be taking my time i know that back there, there's a group of people patiently waiting for my return (wow, that sounded really egotistic of me didn't it. not how i meant it) and that, can put a big ole smile on this big ole face of mine.

"Now I'm not scared
of a sound
or the states
or the stages.
I'm not scared.
I've got friends,
took my call,
came courageous."

say goodbye love. . .

"I'm in the sky tonight
there i can keep by your side,
watchin the whole world riot,
i'm hidin out,
i'll be coming home next year."
-foo fighters, next year.

sure, i'll be home for 4, maybe 5 days if i'm lucky in november. but, for the most part, the sentiment stands. i'll be coming home next year. it hit me on the bus ride home as the shuffle gave me the foo fighters next year. (even though what i really wanted was fun's benson hedges, but it's not currently on the shuffle, and i can never turn down my foo fighters. and yes i did call them my foo fighters. not sure why. i'm getting sidetracked.) i will, for the first time in my entire life, not be spending any of the 3 major late year holidays (thanksgiving, christmas, and new years eve) with members of my family. at least as far as i know. which is kind of weird for me, but i guess it's a little like i'm growing up. or something.

i don't know. i guess, even though i'm going home in november, i'm there for a very short time, and for a very specific reason, it almost feels like an obligation, not something to look forward to (please don't get me wrong though, i could not be more excited to go home to see my brother get married) and then when my program ends, it'll be 2010, i'll have about 10 days (probably less, i want a job before semester starts) to spend with the folks back home. and then i graduate. and who knows after that. i think i need to start calling/emailing/writing my parents, siblings, relatives, and friends more. get in the habit now, for when i'm all on my own.

but if nothing else,
i'll be coming home next year.

do you remember that?

many months ago,
i pledged to grow up. essentially. maybe not so much grow up as man up.
do you remember that?

i think that pledge was a big part of the reason i'm where i am now. that being florida. that being disneyworld. that being the disney college program. i wanted to do something for myself. something that would help for the long run. this was a good opportunity. it still is. by the time i leave here, i should have a ton of marketable skills, completely unrelated to what i actually did here. i'll probably be at least 50lbs lighter, and who knows what else. i have a few hopes, but i won't get too wrapped in them, because that's when troubles start. when you get stuck focusing on what you think should be rather than what is. when you're too busy looking for things to come, to notice the things you're standing in. in the next couple weeks, the worlds we know, will once again start turning the way they should for the most part. one, fairly big difference mind you, that of course, being the fact that i'm in florida.

i've decided to get in the habit of working out again. really, that's all this post is based on. the fact that i'm planning on adding 2-3 days of actual excercise on top of the 5 days of working/walking around in billion degree heat. and i'm excited about that. right now. we'll see how i feel in the morning.

attached.

"i will begin again
but i can't start until
i've seen the end"
-foo fighters, end over end

the end is usually the first thing i think of. i'm not sure why. maybe i'm negative. over the next few weeks, all the people that started here in january/february, leave. also we get a whole bunch of new people. it would be easy to get attached here. in the beginning, i was. and then it turned around. it's amazing how one day, can totally screw you up. the day for me was the day my stuff got stolen. that put a bitter taste in my mouth, and that taste hasn't fully gone away. kind of like throwing up. you can wash your mouth, you can brush your teeth, but that taste doesn't fully go away. and then things remind you of it. like when i can't find the right song on the shuffle i bought to temporarily replace my real ipod. or when i can't tell if my phone is getting or sending texts. the little reminders bring back that bad taste.

in the next weeks, we get new CP's. i'm excited. i hope i can get along with them.

"oh my god, is this
really what you want?
would you tell us if it's not
and could you re-write the plot,
and come and get us?
cause we can't stop,
doing all the things we want
and even though we know it's not,
this place is merely a subplot,
to come and get us."
-wild sweet orange, ten dead dogs.

even though i know it's not, this place seems like it's more and more of a subplot each day. and i think i'm ok with that.

real life and monument restroom.

there are two restrooms that i typically deal with. one is monument restroom, and the other is coaster. the differences between these two are night and day, heaven and hell, light and dark, basically as opposite as possible. in coaster restroom nothing that could go wrong, does. in monument, everything that could possibly ever go wrong in a restroom, does. i'll spare you the details, because honestly, i don't really want to recall them. coaster is the way it goes when it goes the way you feel like it should. monument is much closer to reality. it's bitter, it's mean, i swear that bathroom has a personality and that personality is pure evil. but sometimes, i've gotta deal with it.

when you wake up in the morning, take those first steps out of bed, what do you think it's gonna be? each day has a great deal of potential. damn. that sounds kind of cheezy. let me put it this way, your day can be a monument day, or a coaster day.

i met a couple on saturday celebrating their 50th anniversary at our park. i was genuinely impressed and infinitely jealous. my parents are going to celebrate their 32nd wedding anniversary this year, and in november my brother and his longtime girlfriend are getting married. and then there's me. i don't want to come off sounding whiny, because that is definitely not what i'm going for. lately i've been thinking about it more than other times. it being love. because as the foo fighters say "he's never been in love, but he knows just what love is" (friend of a friend) it's just a matter of finding it. all i have to say is for those of you who are in love, or have someone- hold on to them. it helps someone like me keep searching for someone.
mes along
i don't know. i guess kermit the frog and rowlf the dog can say it better than i can.

we'll scream loud at the top of our lungs.

"we'll scream loud at the top of our lungs
and they'll say it's just 'cause we're young
but we'll feel so alive
Throw it away,
forget yesterday,
we'll make the great escape"
-boys like girls, the great escape.

I turned 21 two months ago. 21 is still young. i forget that fact some times. it's hard to forget your youth, but when it comes down to it, it's not that hard. especially not with the life i lead here. i work. 5 days a week. when i'm not working, i'm typically recovering from the work week. i've got rent payments. the money left after rent and taxes, goes to groceries. the money left after groceries, goes to spending money. which i really need to start saving. so i can fly back to NM for the brother's wedding. it's like i'm growing up.

the thing is, i'm not grown up. i'm still very much a kid. every video game i have my user profile is named the kid. i'm in no rush to grow up. it's important that i put that in writing so that when i start freaking out about things that i've got time to figure out (god willing) i can remember that 21, is still young.

so you know what, screw it. let's get drunk and ride around, make peace with an empty town, cause we can make it right.

the way i'd say it.

(with a little help from the format.)

"You know the night life is just not for me
Cause all you really need are a few good friends
I don't want to go out and be on my own
You know they started something I can't stand
You leave for the city, well count me out
'Cause all this time is wasted on
Well, everything I've done"
-the format, the first single.

a while ago i referenced bryan's I'm missin home as saying anything i could say about how i feel right now better than i possibly could. and for the most part it's true still. but i've realized i have something to say too.

more than anything i miss those few good friends. as much fun as i'm having, i miss late nights of arrested development/family guy/scrubs, bryan playing/ipod running/me singing along with, wendy's/denny's/the one time we went to mcdonalds, more arrested development/family guy/scrubs, the walk back to my room, the pineapple incident, a couple texts that probably should never have been sent, a liter of water, sleep and even dubreakfast the morning after.
i miss the people. i miss that i never had to get on a bus to do something fun. that fun was a phone call or a door knock away. that fun could be nothing more than walking to walmart and goofing around for an hour. or a hell of a conversation.

i'm beginning to think this place would be perfect if you guys were here with me.

perfect situation

tell me there's some logic out there
leading me to better prepare
for the day when something really special might come
tell me there's some hope for me
i don't want to be lone-ly
for the rest of my days on the earth

-weezer, perfect situation

said the rain's the rain

"it's a mess out there
you said the rain's the rain,
and some air'd be good for you"
jack's mannequin - MFEO/you can breathe

all day today i walked in the rain. all day, those 3 lines continually popped into my head. there was nothing i could do about the rain.

despite my best effort to stop it, the rain was the rain, and some air was good for me.

sometimes you close your eyes and see

"and sometimes you close your eyes and see,
the place where you used to live,
when you were young"
-the killers, when you were young.

first of all, i'd like to say that the killers are going to be in Orlando in October. i'd like to go see them, but i'd really like to go with someone. no one in particular, just someone. i don't know. i'd also like to not be completely broke at some point soon. but i'm not sure that's possible. maybe i'll start playing the lottery. or stop eating. yeah. i think those have the same likelihood.

second of all, it is nearly 3 in the morning. there is no reason i should be up this late. no reason, whatsoever.
3rdly, this is a post that, for all i know may or may not make any logical sense whatsoever.
4th, there's been a blog brewing in this mind for a few days, everytime i think about it i decide against it. it could be seen, it's yet to be determined.

the 5th thing i want to say is said better than i could by bryan.

and if the answer is no?

and i said, if the answer is no,
can i change your mind?
-change your mind, the killers

i'll just move my hands and everyone sees what i mean.

"I ain’t afraid to let it out
I’m unafraid to take that fall
But I have found beyond all doubt
We say more by saying nothing at all"
incubus- pantomime

the things i cannot change.

everyday for work i ride the E bus.
it takes 15 minutes for me to get to work on the E.
the same E bus takes me 45 minutes to get home (on a good day). The E leaves my apartments every hour at 00 and 30. the E bus leaves work at 15 and 45. most days i am scheduled till 15 or 45. which means on top of the 45 minutes it takes me to get home, there's another 15-30 minutes of waiting for the bus. which is awesome. especially after a long day.

but ive gotten to where i don't mind it. because i can't do anything about it. there's no point in getting annoyed with the things i cannot change.

"Ah Son, dont ask,
Neither how full nor empty is your glass
Cling to the mast
Spend your whole life living in the past
Going nowhere fast

What are we drinking when were done?
Glasses of water... "
-coldplay, glass of water

so . . .

you know the stories about "it's a small world" being terrible in every way.
yeah.
those are not exaggerated.
not one bit.

that ride is awful. truly, truly awful.
just awful.

Stop. Turn. Take a look Around.

There's so much to see here. bright lights. big sounds. sketchy electronics stores. four theme parks that i can get into for free and a bunch i could go to, but would have to pay.

it's nice to take a day like today to stop, turn and take a look around at all the lights and sounds and let them bring me in.

are you dizzy yet?

today's the first day i've really gotten the chance to relax around here.
i mean, sure the first few days i got to sort of slow down, but those were sort of anxious days- hearing about everyone else's work, and how much they enjoy it, and how much i was looking forward to hitting it on my own.

ten days later, i sit here typing about nothing. i'm awake because i haven't gotten home till at least 1AM for the past 3 days, and as such, my brain's not quite ready to go to sleep.

i think today is the first day that i admitted that i miss parts of home. that's not to say i don't love it here, that's not to say i want to go home, that's simply saying that there are parts of home (and school) that i miss. which will happen anywhere you go.

there's just so much here to see, so much to do, and even though right now it seems like an eternity, so little time. it's kind of making my head spin.

i guess i'll hold on, wait until the room stops.

is it possible?

"is it possible?
for the world to look this way forever?"
-jack's mannequin, MFEO/You Can Breathe

i'm happy.
probably happier than i've ever been.
it's great here.

it's not perfect. but what in life is?
i had my first day that i didn't enjoy yesterday. being trained in one area and then being shipped off to another is not fun. it's hard to enjoy what you're doing when you're trying to figure out what you're doing.

oh well.
maybe it's possible. for the world to look this way forever.

day 8: it's gonna rain.

i REALLY wish that someone would have told me that before 8 days ago.

but it turns out the weather here, as unpredictable as it seems is actually fairly predictable. clear between the hours of wake up and noon. anytime between the hours of noon and bed is time for rain. now, what's not predictable is how long/intense the rain is gonna be.

i like knowing that it's going to rain at some point in the day. it used to bug me, thinking oh jeez here it comes again. now it's just like "ohp. it's raining. better take cover for 10 minutes and then get back to life."

things are good. a lot of people here seem to have lost sight of that. we get paid to work at a place that makes millions of dreams come true. we get to go for free to that place. yeah, sometimes that means waking up at 520 to get on the 600 bus to be at the park by 630. yeah, sometimes it requires standing for 7 and a half hours of your day. yeah, sometimes it involves cleaning urine, vomit, shit and blood from certain areas. yeah, sometimes it requires you to wear the most ridiculous costume you've ever seen. but damn it, you get to work in the happiest friggin place on earth. agggh. i wish you could all see what i see each day. i honestly do. i feel like if nothing else it'd put a smile on your face. even in the rain.

learning to walk again.

i've been comparing the days leading up to this experience to the days leading up to the first day of school. and in a way it was. but in another way it wasn't.
it goes back deeper than that.
today as i stood in line for the kilamanjaro safari ride at animal kingdom, i stood by a young family. and when i say young family i mean a man and his wife both in either their late 20's or early 30's and their son (who i eventually learned was 9 months old). they were friendly and talked with everyone around them. at one point the child was crying and they took him out of his stroller, and then said "he's at the point where he just wants to walk, not roll, not crawl, just walk."

and that's when i realized, yeah, this has all the makings of that first day of school, yeah, it has some other stuff but it's so much deeper than that.

i imagine it's like learning to walk for the first time (i say i imagine that because obviously, i don't remember the first). you learn to take smaller steps. you learn to stop along the way. you learn to be patient. you learn how to walk again.

i love it here. each day i realize that a little more.

here in this moment i am happy, happy.

wow.
i just got back from the first of what i expect to be many nights in the big beautiful world of disney.
wow.
i realized that i get to do for free what people pay hundreds of dollars to do
wow.
i realized that even in lines, which i hate, i can still keep a smile on my face.
i'm beginning to realize that i don't completely hate the humidity.
i'm beginning to realize just how great this all is.
minus the getting up at the butt crack of dawn. that i could do without.

wow.
i just realized how lucky i am to have this opportunity, how exciting this opportunity is, how great the next seven months of my life are going to be, how awesome my this is. aggh. it's a lot to handle. for real.

all i know is that i'm excited, and i finally realize just how great this all is.

wow.

swim.

it's been a busy day.
waking up, riding back to the airport, riding to the apartments, checking in, finding my apartment, dragging the luggage to the apartment, meeting the roommates, a good hour of paperwork, and of course walking back to the apartment in the pooooooooooooooouring rain. now, as i sit here in the empty apartment it's stopped. oh good. at least it's slowed down. yeah it's still raining.

i like it here. i'm still adjusting to the humidity. it's gonna take a while, but i'm getting there. the roommates laughed at me when i told them "heat, i can handle but humidity is killing me." they're from the midwest. they don't understand dry heat.

i'll be honest, the apartment i'm in is pretty close to the coolest place i've ever lived. gets me even more excited for living in the apartment in flag. but that's a ways away. i get my employee id on friday, and along with that park access! woooooo. kind of wish i had it today. i've got a thing in the morning tomorrow but other than that i'm free. weeee. it seems like it might be an all morning thing though, given the fact that my roommate had it at 3 and it's now five and he's not back. oh well. i just hope they didn't go grocery-ing without me.

i've met a ton of people already (ok, 9/a ton not the same but whatever) some of them absolutely bonkers. some of them crazy- in a cool way, some of them just plain cool. but it's an experience.

now i just hope my feet dry.

i thought it was supposed to be sunny here.

i'm in my orlando hotel.
tomorrow i move into the disney apartments.
today, it poured rain.
i think that hindered my enjoyment of my downtown stroll.

it's a good feeling.

"here, you can be anything,
and i think that scares you
i think that scares you"
jimmy eat world - just watch the fireworks

it doesn't. at least not yet.

just one more plane ride and it's done

the abq intl sunport is great, it's got...chairs.
ok, so maybe 2 hours was a little excessively early to get here.
now we wait.

i'm about to lose 2 hours in the time zones. that should be fun.
oh well. i'm ready to go.

let's do this.

do you believe in what you want?

"spinning and spinning
do you believe in what you want?
dancing, in plastic shake up snow,
do you believe in what you want?"
jimmy eat world - believe in what you want

things happen for a reason. whether you believe in god, fate, destiny or anything, things happen for a reason. whether you accept it or not, things happen for a reason. who knows what the reason. usually you don't find clarity right away. sometimes it takes months for something to make sense.

it's beginning to seem like this is the right way.
and i know, come tomorrow night when i go to bed in my orlando hotel, the hours of packing, the months of frustration, the 25 extra bucks for the extra bag that is pretty much unavoidable at this point, the 80 bucks for luggage set, the hundred dollar plane ticket, the 76 dollar hotel night, the 20dollar shuttle ride, wrestling 3 bags and 2 carryons around an airport, hotel, shuttle, airport, another shuttle, apartment complex, moving in, and finally some rest, will all be worth it. it just might take a while to see it.

"I've got my things, I'm good to go
You met me at the terminal
Just one more plane ride and it's done"
-jack's mannequin - bruised

dancing, in plastic shake up snow.

tomorrow's my last day in albuquerque.
i'm not packed.
i'm nowhere near ready (from a stuff standpoint)
but
in two days, i'll be going to bed in Orlando Florida, for the first of many many nights there.
i've got a lot of packing to do before tuesday morning.
and when i say a lot, i mean all of it. oh well. i work better under pressure.

simple pleasures

Goodbye Sky Harbor + iTunes Visualizer (set to full screen) = saturday morning Bliss.

again, i shall ask you this once again,
he said, i am but one small instrument
do you remember that?

but i don't need a witness.

"i'm alive,
but i don't need a witness
to know that i survived
i'm not looking for forgiveness.
i just need light,
need a light in the dark as i search for the resolution"
-jack's mannequin - the resolution

ok, so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. my life was probably never in real danger. although it did seem that way for a bit. (let me explain: my friend wes and I go on an annual hike to sort of close out the summer, and seeing as i will be in florida at the actual end of the summer, we had to do it early) but when we hit the highest point we'd hit, the danger, whether it be fictitious or factual, didn't seem to matter. as we looked over at the sun hitting albuquerque in the mid morning, it all sort of hit. light, dark, resolution. it was a good hike. i'm still a little tired from it. but it's a good tired.

in 4 days i head to florida.
i figure any of you who read this know that, but i just like to point it out.

be patient, i am getting to the point.

"I can't remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but until then
I'm only spinning
Spin beneath the rooftop
Hold on, wait until the room stops
Spinning"

it would be nice if the earth would turn slowly. at this point in a week i will be in Orlando Fl, well in all honestly i'll probably be asleep in a hotel in Orlando, but the point is i'll be in Orlando. but first, i've got another 6 days in albuquerque. part of me wishes i was just going to Orlando tomorrow. but the other part of me knows i'm nowhere near ready. i'm not even currently wearing pants. (Edit: moments after i wrote that, i put on pants to work on laundry, but felt it was important to convey my lack of readiness.) but here's the thing. i'm ready. maybe not fully, but i'm ready. it's amazing. after the year i had, it'll be good to go away. it'll be good to leave familiar in the rear view mirror, or i guess, more accurately, down on the ground (since i'll be flying, not driving) and strike out toward new, toward exciting, toward different.

who knows what will happen. i don't. maybe that's what i'm so excited about. brand new. it's like the first day of school. i know i keep making that simile. but it is.

it'd be easy to sink,
but i think i'm ready to swim.

ahhhhhhhh here it goes, here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.

"I've got a feeling '21
Is going to be a good year.
Especially if you and me
See it in together."
- the who, 1921.

it's that simple.

break from the mold

or i guess more truthfully: back to my old ways:

i just watched XMEN 3: the last stand.
Ellen Page, of Juno fame, is in that movie.

that just blew my mind.

And the world, spins madly on.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain.

It's nearly the end of the year.
wow. there's still finals, and the tons of stress that may or may not come with.
this morning, as i sat and reflected on what i had accomplished with my PE Class this semester i thought a lot about this year. it had its share of moments, good, bad, and everywhere fucking possible in between. a ton of personal reflection, advancement, and the like.

wow.

I'm excited for the summer.
and fall. and next spring. and graduation (woah, let's pump the brakes a bit, that's a year away)
i'm excited for decisions to be made, places to go, people to meet, things to explore, dream, and discover.
i'm pumped. but there's work to be done. bills to pay, grades to get, packing, unpacking, and more packing, a week at home, a cross country flight, a new world waiting.

"Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on
I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still"
-the weepies, world spins madly on

for once, the whole world will be moving, and i'll be moving with it.

so tie the rope, tap the brake, cause a scene

"well i'm your favorite second rate singer
holding out both my hands
i'm cursed with the voice of a kid
and pent up three word commands.
so tie the rope
tap the brake
cause a scene
whatever keeps me in control"
-your new name - the format

I sing. out loud. in public. people see me. all the time. i'm not embarassed. also, at any given time, i'm not only singing, but singing emphatically, or playing any variety of air instruments. (typically drums, or guitar but occasionally bass and piano.) twice this week people have told me that they saw me, actually 3 now that i think about it, but i was off in my own world. one of those people, talked to me about it yesterday, it went a little something like this:
MG: i got to see you sing today
T: Oh yeah?
MG: yeah, with the Ipod.
T: oh. yeah, i do that.
MG: So you basically have No shame do you.
T: yeah pretty much. i do it for everyone.

i don't know if i can actually sing. i mean i did 13 years of choir and such (give or take a couple years probably) but i'd do it anyway. i don't know. i don't really see a point in keeping to myself. so if you see me, don't think you're gonna embarass me. i just don't embarass anymore. at least. for the most part. there are a few things that will get me. (if you must know i'd tell) but for the most part, i've been conditioned to laugh at myself, be who i am and not give a crap what anyone else thinks. If nothing else, i'll give them a story to tell their friends at the end of the day. and i'm ok with that.

(disclaimer, this is gonna be a long one, i've got a lot on my mind, if you want to take a break at this point, come back later, and finish i'm ok with that.)

in my last post i made some comments about how quiet it is around our little web of blogs. and in reading the posts that came out of it my heart was endeared and sank a bit. Bryan, Thank you sir. but more on that a little bit later. It made me realize, that there's a good chance that as it was before the web of blogs expanded, it will probably be again for the next few weeks. me talking. maybe others. mostly me though. i guess i still have the most self-realizations to hit. and again, i'm ok with that.

as i write this i can't help but think, at this point 4 Weeks from now, i will be in Orlando Florida. let me say this.
I am in everyway excited for this experience. (italicized for emphasis)
if you skim this hoping to find key points - THAT's THE ONE YOU'RE LOOKING FOR! -
I am beyond excited to spend nine months of my life in Orlando Florida, getting some of the best work experience possible, meeting thousands of people, all that.

ok, remember when i said i'm in everyway excited. . . that wasn't entirely true. There's a part of me that is absolutely petrified at the entire prospect. the part of me that so many times has told me i was crazy. the part that leads to second thoughts. the more i think about this, the less thought i remember initially putting into it. it was, oh, i wonder what i'm doing this summer. which led to- oh, maybe i'll look into disney, which led to - oh, i'll apply, which led to - oh, i hope i get it, which led to HOLY CRAP I GOT IT! which led to - HOLY CRAP I'M DOING IT! which led to WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, which led to ummmmmmm, shit. which led to - maybe i should have thought about this a little bit more. . .

which leads to where i currently am.

a sort of nervous excitement. sort of like the old first day of school feeling. where you're excited, but deep down you're shaking in your boots, but even deeper down you know it's going to be fun. and then you take those first few steps down toward the bus stop, and before your bus even gets there, you're ready for it to start. i'm excited, but not entirely sure i'm ready. but i've got 4 weeks to be ready. and at the end of that first day of school, i always remember walking away with a smile on my face.

and in four weeks, i'll be sitting, waiting for my plane to leave, i'll have that same excitement on my face.

shattering silence with sound.

it's been pretty quiet within our little (and god i hate this term, why i'm using it, beyond me) blogosphere.

it could be the fact that it's nearing the end of the semester for most of us, it could be that we've all run out of thoughts, maybe it's everyone's at peace with where they are, and have no need to blog about it, maybe there's just nothing new.

whatever. i should have figured it was up to me to break the silence.

"The older you get the more you cry
The more you understand those awful crimes
It's got me every evening just hoping to die so
Every morning I thank God that I'm alive"
-wild sweet orange - Seeing & Believing

something's not right. nothing, in the medical sense, is wrong with me. I haven't been sleeping well lately. maybe it's the fact that i'm considering selling my bike. maybe it's the fact that i'll be in orlando in 30 days, and i haven't figured out where i'm staying, how i'm getting there, or how i'm getting to disney. maybe it's the fact that finals are 3 weeks from now, and i'm terrified of them. maybe it's the fact that all day i've needed to go to target, walmart, or somewhere else to buy soap. and haven't.

but honestly i don't think it's any of those. i mean it could be. but things like that don't typically interrupt me sleeping. or eating actually. i have been eating really oddly in the past few weeks. although, i often eat oddly. so i don't know if that has anything to do with it.

i've only once had my heart broken, i mean i was devastated. ask anyone who was around me for those 3 weeks. and if it hadn't been for that same heart it wouldn't have broken. that heart knew it shouldn't be that involved. that heart knew it couldn't end well. that heart knew what it was getting into, and didn't hesitate to keep moving. that heart KNEW how disastrously it was going to end. it knew it knew it KNEW it. and kept moving. kept hoping. kept praying. kept believing. oddly enough, i don't think that heart was dumb. i don't think it knew what it was doing, but i don't think it was wrong. i think i could have prepared it better. now it's in my head. that positivity. that hope, that belief, that movement, blocked in by the memories, and the rumours of impending doom that came out of that heartbreak. when i finally moved on, when i was finally happy, it was peaceful. but at the same time, i wasn't fully over it. it takes time. and no one can tell you how to handle it. they can talk to you about their past. their experiences. what they did, what they would do in your shoes. but they can't. at the end of the day it's your cross to bear, your pain to deal with, your sleepless nights.

anyway, 2 weeks ago i found myself back where i was. at that point 5 weeks away from the biggest life shift i've ever made. and now, i have no clue what to do. i've been trying hard to do what's right. it turns out, i have no idea what is right in this situation. i don't know if there is a right answer. i'm kind of thinking there isn't.

if i only knew the answer i wouldn't be bothering you.

i've got words in my head,
but don't know how i want to say them.

I used to own a razor scooter.

everyone makes mistakes.
the razor scooter. that was one of mine.
wow that was a mistake.
NAU, in case you were wondering is not a scooter friendly campus.
for some reason i thought it was a great idea though. i think because i didn't know how bad it was.

i think the most cliche'd topic in life, aside from life itself is making mistakes. you know them all. so i'm not gonna go into them. but they happen. and a lot of times you learn from them, so there's no point in dwelling on them.

the point is. there are mistakes you make. there are mistakes you don't make, there are mistakes you don't know are mistakes until you make them, there are mistakes that bug you, there are mistakes you HAVE to make. so just take it in stride and don't be afraid of mistakes.

and as i sit here, at 3:01 AM, finishing a blog i started at 12 this morning, i know two things.
1- this post, was not a mistake
2- this night, was not a mistake.

it seriously bothers me

I don't understand twitter.
i don't understand the allure of it.
i don't like it.
it seems annoying.

I SERIOUSLY dislike when legitimate news sources ex: the boston Globe, NBC12 in phoenix have twitters.

you expect me to take you seriously as a news source when you do something that refers to actions performed on it as tweets?

yeah.
twitter needs to die.
and fast.

also, on an unrelated note: if you're a baseball fan, i've got a red sox blog. just started it today. http://nmazsoxkidblog.blogspot.com

it's about damn time.

OPENING DAY

"There are no words that can fully describe opening day. It comes but once a year and fills that void. It signals the end of life as you knew it. When it comes, it’s like your birthday, your first kiss and your first day of college all wrapped into one. It is full of promise and possibility of this year being the year (assuming you’re not a Pirates fan). And when the day arrives there is an extra bounce to your step because win or lose, for the next six months your days are complete."

baseball is back. it's the day that signals that the long, cold, boring winter is over and before you know it the bright, sunny, long, warm days of summer will be around.

it's gonna be a good day.

and i'm beggin you,

"i'm beggin you to be my escape."
be my escape - relient k

three years ago flag was my escape. escape from albuquerque. escape from the place i'd spent my life.

three years later, it's the other way around. it's funny how it works that way sometimes.

Where will I be Spending my summer/fall semester?

I'll give you a hint

it's such a bitter form of refuge.

or, what i'd do if i never had to sleep.

"Now cinderella don't you go to sleep
Its such a bitter form of refuge
Ahh don't you know the kingdoms under siege
And everybody needs you"
- dustland fairytale, the killers

i wish i didn't need sleep. even when i'm not doing anything, i'd still rather be awake. i think this is becoming more and more clear to me as the time passes. the day turns to night, and i find myself thinking about the things that i didn't accomplish that day. at which point i turn off the tv, go to bed and find myself sleeping. only to wake up the next morning feeling like i might as well not have slept.

i know, i know, i know all the crap sleep does for the body. and honestly, i appreciate it. but sometimes sleep just seems like a burden, an obligation, a bitter form of refuge. something you'd do because you have to, rather than because you want to. it is said you sleep roughly one third of your entire life. staring down that 33% of my life i've spent in a bed, it makes me wonder, what more would i do with that time. almost 7 years. i don't like that number. it means of my almost 21 years of life, i've only been awake for 14.

until they find a way to cram all the benefits of sleep into a tiny pill i guess it's still something i'll have to do. but i tell you this, i don't want to waste a waking moment.

The Long and Winding Road.

or, more accurately, the 320 mile stretch of I-4o between flagstaff and albuquerque.

The view from the road is pretty much the same. a few semis, a few cops, a few crazy people who don't know how to drive.

but i miss the passenger seat. i miss sitting, watching, and thinking without having to worry about staying in the lines.

next time i go somewhere, i'm calling shotgun.

could it go any other way?

That's not the way it's supposed to go.
the boy isn't supposed to defeat the giant.
the gladiator isn't supposed to escape the lion unscathed.
the underdog isn't supposed to defeat the champ.

It happens.
Whether it be in the form of the Netherlands Beating the Dominican Republic to advance to round two of the WBC,
or it's boise state beating oklahoma,
or it's the Giants defeating the undefeated,
or it's the goofy looking guy getting the supermodel,
or it's 5'9" dustin pedroia winning the AL MVP,
or it's the shy kid becoming class president,
or it's a rag-tag group of guys coming back from 3 games down to take the series,
or it's lance armstrong coming back from cancer to win the tour de france 7 times,
or it's jon lester coming back from cancer to win the clinching game of the world series, and throw a no-hitter,
or it's the US beating the USSR to advance to the gold medal round of the 1980 Olympic Games.




It's Not supposed to happen that way.

but it does.
and i for one, am happy about that.

I am but one small instrument.

re·mark·able

Pronunciation:

\ri-ˈmär-kə-bəl\

Function:

adjective

: worthy of being or likely to be noticed especially as being uncommon or extraordinary

worth·while

Pronunciation:

\-ˈhwī(-ə)l, -ˈwī(-ə)l\

Function:

adjective

1 : being worth the time or effort spent <worthwhile preparations>
2 : worthy 1 worthwhile cause>

in·ev·i·ta·ble

Pronunciation:

\i-ˈne-və-tə-bəl\

Function:

adjective

: incapable of being avoided or evade

re·gret

Pronunciation:

\ri-ˈgret\

Function:

verb

transitive verb1 a: to mourn the loss or death of b: to miss very much2: to be very sorry for

¹con·fi·dence

Pronunciation:

\ˈkän-fə-dən(t)s, -ˌden(t)s\

Function:

noun

1 a: a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances b: faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way

bliss

Pronunciation:

\ˈblis\

Function:

noun

1 : complete happiness

Let's see how far we've come. . .

yesterday, i realized i could retire from blogging.

i know it's trivial, and i know it's goofy. but my last blog, which was one, i wasn't sure if i was going to keep up beyond a day, has been linked two in two different blogs. i was like "wow. honestly, i didn't even think that one was that good, i mean it was one from the heart. which i guess is good. but if someone were to have told me when i finished doing that one that it would, within 24 hours, have been referenced in two different blogs, i'd have laughed in your face.

it's funny to me to think about that. when i started this blog over a year ago, it was a port for me to put random thoughts that i thought were funny. i thought i could use it someday as a funny thought archive or something. now i'm writing about real life, or as close as i can come to real life. oh well.

i have something big planned for the next one of these. so if it's quiet on the tribou blog front for a while, don't be concerned. i just have something i really want to do with the next one, and it's gonna take me a while.

"i wanna live like i know what i'm leaving"
- switchfoot. awakening

how's this for arts and crafts -

"Put me in A special school
'Cos I am such a fool
And I don't need A single book
To teach me how to read
Who needs stupid books?
They are for petty crooks
And I will learn By studying The lesson in my dreams"
weezer- troublemaker

for the second time in the past 12 months, i played witness to a heart attack. the first was this summer. a co-worker, who i'll call manny, was ranting and raving throughout our work and next thing you know he's in the office being attended to by the rest of our staff, and i'm being shuffled out to the gate to open it when the ambulance comes.
the second was this morning. i am in a workout class that starts at 11am on mondays and wednesdays. the class before us is the NAU park ranger physical fitness program. there are as best as i can tell 20 people of various ages and fitness levels, including a couple older gentleman. i have this problem where i don't show up on time for things i'm looking forward to. i show up early, in spite of my best efforts to be directly on time. the workout class is one i enjoy. i showed up roughly 5 minutes early, walk in to the weight room and don't notice the guy at first. i then take a step back and see almost all the park ranger guys leaving except for few around a guy on one of the machines, who looked ghostly pale and was having his pulse taken. next thing i know they're lifting him off the machine and a small army of people (seriously, like 6 rec center employees, two or three cops, and one lady with the portable defibrillator, and then 4 or 5 emt's with another defibrillator) come running through the rec center. we're all kicked out of the weight room before this army comes. we're forced to wait outside. it was stressful. even for someone in no way connected to this person other than we share a classroom kind of. i remember the way i felt when it happened this summer. i remember shaking my head and being lost. i didn't know what to do then, didn't know what to do now.

that sort of thing sticks in your head. kind of all day. it reminds you how short life can be. even though both of them are still alive, it's strange to think how quickly they could have been gone. i didn't even know the second guy.

i often think about how we're not permanent. this isn't a blog about the afterlife, whatever you believe about it.

this is a blog about how i don't want to be stuck doing something i hate. life is too friggin short to be stuck inside on a 70 degree day.

this is a blog about being 20, in the wandering period where a man's shape is undefined. where my opinions tend to be passionate and wild, but essentially still pliable. - i've been reading again lately. yes, they have been two books which were assigned to me, but they were both books that i enjoyed, and books that made me say i really need to do this more often. because the class they are assigned for, is unlike any other class i've had before. it's the class i look forward to all week long, it's the class that i get disappointed when it gets cancelled, it's the class that really i've looked for all college long. it's the class that i will actually be sad about the day it ends. there's just something about this class. something great. that i know won't be matched, but when it ends, it'll be with me forever. and that's something i'm genuinely excited about.

Randy Pausch, the esteemed professor from Carnegie Mellon University, delivered his "Last Lecture" on Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams, (or i found it on itunes for free, but trust me, it would be worth any amount of money they wanted for it.) it's the kind of thing i watch on a day that i'm really disheartened, or just need some motivation. he's a captivating speaker, and wish that school was more like that. people aren't taught important things. we're taught accounting and english and things like that. things that prepare us for the "real world." I'd rather take classes that i'll use. Classes that prepare you for life. because, hey, there's a lot more to life than living. a lot of it can't be taught, granted. but i think everyone should give it a shot. not everyone learns from books.

on an unrelated side note, it is really difficult for me to type the word though, and not tack the -t on the end to make it thought. i wonder if that means anything. . .

this is a long blog, and if you get to this point, give yourself a round of applause because i'm kind of bored writing it.

I'll leave you all with this. i closed one of my recent blogs posting an entire song. i'm gonna do that again. this one, a track of weezer's Red Album, which sort of sums it all up.

I'm dreamin'
In the mornin'
I'm dreamin' all
Through the night
And when I'm dreamin'
I know
That it's all right
Woo, hoo, hoa

I'm dreamin'
In the evening
I'm dreamin'
All through the day
And when I'm dreamin'
I know that it's okay
Woo, hoo, hoa

Daddy says
I've gotta pay
Some bills
So I can learn
To be responsible
Some day I'll have
A family of my own
And they
Will need for me
To be full grown

But I'm dreamin'
In the mornin'
I'm dreamin'
All through the night
And when I'm dreamin'
I know
That it's all right
Woo, hoo, hoa

I'm dreamin'
In the evening
I'm dreamin'
All through the day
And when I'm dreamin'
I know that it's okay
Woo, hoo, hoa

Teacher says
I gotta learn some facts
So I can make it in
The Widener Stacks
These are days
That will define my life
I shouldn't waste them
On these friends of mine

But I
Gotta be a big boy
('Cos I really want a chance)
Woah
Gotta pick up my toys
('Cos I really want a chance)

When I start to feel
The feeling comin' over me
(I really want a chance)
I soon forget
All about responsibility
(I really want a chance)
I walk around
In a wide-awake daydream
(I really want a chance)
Things are better out here
Than they might seem

There are bluebirds
In the meadows
And the bees
Are flying around
And the goslings
At the river
At a loss so far
From the ground

I am running
(I am running)
Through the meadow
(Through the meadow)
And the sun is
(And the sun is)
Shining on me
(Shining on me)
I am singing
(I am singing)
My voice is ringing
(My voice is ringing)
I can sing so loud
(I can sing so loud)

And the angels
(And the angels)
In the heavens
(In the heavens)
They are wondering
(They are wondering)
"Why am I so glad?"
(Why am I so glad?)
"Why am I so glad?"
(Why am I so glad?)
"Why am I so"
(Why am I so)
"Why am I so"
(Why am I so)
I am running
(I am running)
Through the meadow
(Through the meadow)
And the sun is
(And the sun is)
Shining on me
(Shining on me)
I am singing
(I am singing)
My voice is ringing
(My voice is ringing)
I can sing so loud
(I can sing so loud)

And I'm dreamin'
In the mornin'
I'm dreamin'
All through the night
And when I'm dreamin'
I know
That it's all right
Woo, hoo, hoa

I'm dreamin'
In the evening
I'm dreamin'
All through the day
And when I'm dreamin'
I know
That it's okay
Woo, hoo, hoa

(Woo, hoo)
Hoa
(Woo, hoo)
Hoa
(Woo, hoo)
Hoa
(Woo, hoo)
Hoa
(Woo, hoo)
Woah

I don't want to get
With your program
I don't want to get
With your program
I don't want to get
With your program
Take back the love

maybe dreams are just that. . .

i think it was about this time last year when i went to hastings, bought a copy of the rookie on dvd, and went back to that dream.

i am that kid. the kid who wants to make the catch that ends the world series, the kid that hits the walk off homerun, the kid the fans look to in the clutch. it started at an early age. for many years as a kid, i jumped from team to team, for a while it was the dodgers, for the year i was a baseball player for halloween, it was the tigers, in 2oo3, it shifted permanently to the red sox. say what you will about the 2005 movie, Fever Pitch, but i enjoy it. it's one of my movies i can go to when i need to just sort of watch something, along with the 2004 world series film dvd. (which, now that i've mentioned i might just watch, and i still need to buy the 2oo7 dvd. but that's beside the point) but the way Ben, the main character played by Jimmy Fallon feels about baseball in general is so close to the way i feel.

Ben: You know what's really great about baseball?
Lindsey: Hmm?
Ben: You can't fake it. You know, anything else in life you don't have to be great in - business, music, art - I mean you can get lucky.
Lindsey: Really?
Ben: Yeah, you can fool everyone for awhile, you know? It's like - not - not baseball. You can either hit a curveball or you can't. That's the way it works...
Lindsey: Hmm.
Ben: You know?
Ben: You can have a lucky day, sure, but you can't have a lucky career. It's a little like math. It's orderly. Win or lose, it's fair. It all adds up. It's, like, not as confusing or as ambiguous as, uh...
Lindsey: Life?
Ben: Yeah. It's - it's safe

there it is. baseball is my fallback, my bright spot on a cloudy day, my stress reliever. everyday during the warm months during high school my friend and i were out there, playing catch, and not just catch like you might play with your pops, no, this was crazy, pretend you're patrolling right field at fenway park during game 7 of the world series style catch.

i wish i had played. all the time, i wish i had played. every year during high school i said to myself, "i'm going to play this year" but every year, without fail, for whatever reason, i didn't wind up doing it. would i have been good? probably not. i'd probably been a reserve at best. but i wouldn't have cared. just to have a jersey on my back, would be incredible. i think that's part of the reason i was (still am) so excited when i found my sox jersey. because, let's be honest, that's probably the closest i'll ever come to wearing the number 16 for my sox.

but heck, there's no harm in having a dream.

Now, we play the waiting game.

when i'm stuck at the front desk, without my personal music library, i'm limited to pandora. a couple weeks ago, after listening to a friend play "under the bridge" on his acoustic guitar i decided i needed to refresh myself on some RHCP. today, that station was up and a song from the band's most recent release "Stadium Arcadium" came on. when it did, it reminded me of the summer that album came out. it was summer 2006. i remember because as a gift for my 18th birthday, my sister reserved a copy of it for me. i remember my birthday was a good two weeks before the album, but it was still exciting. i remember the album came out two weeks before graduation. for those two weeks, and the rest of that summer, that disc WAS my album. i remember late night drives back from hollywood video (oh that summer of work) listening to that album. i remember late afternoon drives TO hollywood video listening to that album. it's a good album.

uggh. waiting. always been one of my least favorite things out there. no matter what it is i'm waiting for. patience, as they say, is a virtue. patience, to me, is little more than something to create problems. i've never been very good at it. patience with others, sure. patience with myself and things i'm waiting for. . . not so much.

today i submitted my "application" (application is in quotes because there was no formal application, just submitting my resume and a cover letter) for what is probably as close to my dream job of being a major league baseball player as i may ever get. the application is for a Public Relations internship with MLBAM (major league baseball advanced media) but more closely with MLB.com. today was the application deadline, and i managed to get it sent off at 9:21PM. that time will be burned into my brain for the next few days, until i hear something, ANYTHING regarding moving on in this process. even though that time will likely not have anything to do with whether or not i move on, it'll still sit in my brain for a while. but, if nothing else, applying for this internship will have gotten my resume neater and given me a little bit of experience in cover letter writing. i just hope i get the chance to interview at least. . .