a brand new day.

what happened blogosphere?

did we get too busy to keep up with our lives?
did we lose track of what we were trying to say, and wind up saying nothing?

did we just stop needing to wonder about what the crap was happening with us?

was blogging just a phase that we've since slipped out of, like pokemon, yoyos or other fads?

what happened to us?

a boy and his glove.

there are very few things in this world that i have a connection to. places, plenty. people, of course. but things, like material things, like cars, phones, mp3 players, computers, clothes none of that really matters. it all comes and goes, it changes, and i move on. there are truly only a few items that would deeply impact me if they were lost.

my glove. my rawlings PM120 righthanded baseball glove is probably number one. my parents bought it for me my sophomore year of high school when i was seriously considering playing baseball for the school. until then i had never really had a glove. well kind of. the one glove we had at the house became mine when my brother got a new one. the glove that i had played with as a kid, left in the sun for months so it got bleached white, and weathered. and i liked that glove. still do. it's one of the few things i will keep for as long as i can, even though i've retired it from use. but the glove that replaced it saw much action in it's first few years. every day at lunch while it was warm for a good two years, that glove came with me to school, with me to lunch and followed me to my classes after lunch. senior year it was with me in november when dan brown left the world. it had been there in august when david fisher was taken. on the field, with the glove on the hand, it was simple. i wrote on it in sharpie, in one of the brown parts "tribou 06" as i often saw players with embroidered gloves that said their names. it came with me freshman year, sophomore year, junior year, and even went with me to florida and back to flagstaff for the first part of senior year. and now it's here with me. 3 weeks from graduation. yesterday, i wrote, directly under the tribou 06, "tribou 10" it'll come back to NM with me, and hopefully be well used there. and hopefully, 4 years from now, i'll have another reason to write my name and the year on it.

"we don't see shadow
cause the shadow's all there is
and we climb
and we climb
but it's just so-- high and i'm so-- tired"
jack's mannequin, bloodshot.

i've been exhausted lately. i've been aggravated, irritated, frustrated, and simply spent. i've taken out my exhaustion and frustration on friends who truly didn't deserve it. it has a lot to do with the fact that in the next few weeks school ends. which means that all the final projects, all the big exams, all the goodbyes will take place.

only these goodbyes will be different. these ones will be like the ones of late december, early january. the goodbyes knowing that they could be for all intents and purposes, the final goodbye. i'll worry about that when it happens. i'm not exactly ready for it.

I think that those lines of bloodshot are just so perfect for me. i've tried so hard to finish strong, to not fade out. but it's hard. it's just so high, and i'm so tired. i'm just burnt out on it all. and as much as part of me wants to finish with pride, the rest of me just doesn't want to care. doesn't want to put in the effort. it'd be easy to just coast through. but it's a climb.

and i'm pretty sure, that much like the people i met in my 7 months in florida, the people i met in 4 years of arizona will be just as hard, if not harder to forget.

something about a day like today.

i don't know what it is,
there's just something about a day like today.

something that lets you be
sit at macy's with your cup of tea

to float, aimlessly and peacefully.

to stop by the side of the road and take pictures of the mountain that you haven't taken before.
to stand like a goon in your dress shirt and tie but be unafraid of what people are going to think. to stand on a chair and pretend you're rocking an audience's face off, in that same dress shirt and tie. to wear black skate shoes because your dress shoes are just a little to tight, and you don't want to hurt your foot any more than it already is. to yell at runners, not because you don't understand them, but because you envy them for their not having stress fractures.

to be completely & inexplicably happy.

but i'm alive.

"there's a lot that i don't know.
there's a lot that i'm still learning.
when i think i'm letting go
i find my body it's still burning"

jack's mannequin- the resolution.

i tend to dwell on things. sadly, things that dwelling on doesn't help. like, the future. like what happens in two months when i graduate.

it's interesting to think that when you start school you think you're going to learn all you need to learn in those four years. i'm pretty sure that i'm not a very good grown up right now. every time i go grocery shopping i realize this. i'm so bad at it. have been for the past year. (wow. weird to think that i've been shopping for myself for nearly a year now. i kind of miss my meal plan days)

this weekend i ran my first race. an 8K. under the rising arizona sun, with a great friend running with me. well not exactly with me. just more or less at the same time. running the same course. i actually finished before he did which wasn't expected. i finished 1o minutes ahead of the time that i thought i'd finish. well technically 11 minutes and 8 seconds before i thought i would. a pleasant surprise, to say the least. i'm guessing the race organizers didn't realize how excited i would be as i threw my hands up in the air sprinted/leapt across the finish line and pumped the fist a couple times. almost ran into the person in front of me. i think a few people knew that it was my first race and congratulated me. i managed to get a bunch of strangers to cheer me on a bit. i pulled through. i made it, i was proud of myself. it was a surprise.

life'll do that. it'll surprise you.
i'm glad to see that it does. there's a lot that i don't know. there's a lot that i'm still learning. and honestly, i'd be upset if there wasn't.

move on.

Well I been thinking about the future

But I'm too young to pretend

It's such a waste to always look behind you

Should be lookin' straight ahead

Yeah, I'm gonna have to move on

Before we meet again

Yeah, it's hard

If you had've only seen

10.34: Flinders Street Station

I'm lookin' down the tracks

Uniformed man askin' am I paid up

Why would I wanna be that?

Yeah gonna have to move on

Before we meet again

Yeah it's hard

If you had have only seen

Take control

Don't be afraid of me

'Cause every once in a while

You think about if your gonna get yourself together

You should be happy just to be alive

And just because you just don't feel like comin' home

Don't mean that you'll never arrive

Yeah I'm gonna have to move on

Before we meet again

Yeah it's hard

If you had have only seen

Take control

Don't be afraid of me

-jet, move on

life after life.

if you always knew the truth,
then the world would spin around you
are you dizzy yet? "
dizzy, jimmy eat world

it's a hollowing moment.

that moment when you realize that all of the sudden, everything you know is coming to a close. that moment when you open your eyes to realize that two months from now you've gotta start living for real. the moment, where real life grabs you by the balls and says "ready or not, you're comin with me!" and unlike so many things in life, there's no guide you can read, no map you can follow to tell you what to do. and honestly, that fucking sucks. say what you will. but it sucks.

so what do you do?

you take solace in the fact that you're almost assuredly not the only one.
you pick your ass up and don't give a shit. you open your eyes as you lay in bed in the morning and say "bring it" knowing that even at its worst, there's pretty much nothing the world can dish at you that you can't take.

i wish i was confident enough to believe what i just wrote. those words. but i know, deep down that i'm still that kid shaking in his boots staring down the giant. the kid who is scared as shit to go off onto his own in fear that he'll hate every minute of it. or worse, love every minute of it. (wait, how is that worse) i think i'm just petrified that what i've always wanted to do might not work out. although, honestly i've never really known what it is i want to do. when i was a kid i was the kid who never listed what he wanted to do because he didn't want to limit himself. that or he just was irrational. one day it was an astronaut, one day it was a quarterback, one day it was a cowboy, one day it was a power ranger.

there's an air of adventure in the uncertain. there's a whole lot of potential, either good or bad. and i guess, confident enough to believe it or not, you've just gotta roll with whatever comes your way. and know that, whatever's kickin you in the pants, probably won't last.