A Mid-September Night's Dream.*

"Even when you've paid enough
Been pulled apart or been held up
Every single memory of the good or bad
Faces of luck
Don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose
But to be yourself is all that you can do"
-audioslave, be yourself.

everytime i hear be yourself, or any of Out of Exile really my mind goes back to November 2005. in all honesty, november of 2005 was without a doubt the most difficult month of my life. i remember the thursday morning. the early morning phone call, my dad breaking the news to me, the drive down the hill with be yourself playing, having to stop at the bottom to wipe the tears from my eyes. just repeating be yourself, over and over and over. that whole drive. school that day. shit. i was a mess. no one understood why i bothered to go that day. but i had to. i had to be myself. it was all i COULD do. but i couldn't. i was a shell. all day i debated, go to the funeral, or stay and go to the camp i had planned on going to. it was a decision i couldn't make. it hurt my mind to think about it. it felt wrong to not think about it. we had NHS inductions that night, and as soon as i could i split for the parking lot, where ian and i discussed everything. i'm pretty sure that he was the only one who understood me that day. he understood that i needed to destroy some electric candles. needed to do whatever. i finally decided to stay back. i'm still not sure to this day, this day nearly 4 years later, whether i made the right decision. i think i did. there was more in store. feeling alive and rejuvenated i returned to an empty house on sunday night. it was 4 years ago, so i was all about myspace. i checked it for the first time in days and took another hit. one of my classmates, who was due to graduate in may, just like me, had taken his own life. i couldn't understand it. i remember the next day. suddenly, everyone had the same face i had had 4 days earlier. suddenly, we were all one body, doing our best to be ourselves. it was all we could do. i'm not sure why this is so heavy on my mind right now. i was/still am thinking about archiving this until november.* this would make more sense on the anniversaries of these dates. the next year, we lost my grandmother in November. November has recently been a relatively dark month for us. on November 7th of this year, we'll have something to celebrate in november, something other than thanksgiving. my brother will be the first of the young tribous to be married. it's exciting.

four years ago, november took a dark turn. this year, november takes a very positive turn. and for that, i am very excited.






*writers note- this blog was originally written in september. hence the name and the reference to shelving it till september.

silhouettes

"and i'm looking through the glass
Where the light bends at the cracks
And I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
Pretending the echoes belong to someone
Someone I used to know"
-the postal service, we will become silhouettes

i'm not the most transparent person i know. there are times where you can't read me to save a life. there are other times, where i wear it all on my face. excitement, anger, frustration, shock are four that tend to show the most. my co-worker Ben always says he can tell when something went wrong with something i was doing, because my face just shows it. sometimes it's hard for me to hide how i'm feeling, but sometimes it's so easy. i guess it's not necessarily a bad thing. on the worst day i've ever had at work, my face was blank. it was so many things puddled together to just completely block any emotion from my face.

i was debating titles and themes for this blog post (while i should have been focusing on my homework) and transparency came to mind. i remember learning in my younger days about transparent and opaque. how transparent things you could see through, but opaque you can't see through. water would be transparent. milk, opaque. i don't know if we're meant to be transparent, but i don't think we're supposed to be opaque either. i think we've got to show a deal of it.

i picked silhouettes, because silhouettes or shadows are the best image i can put together for my mind. because sometimes, shadows are pretty true to the person. but sometimes, as the sun sinks lower toward the night sky, the person is stretched, skewed, shifted. events can stretch, skew, or shift us. the question is, who will you be when the sun sets and the shadows are gone. will we be someone who's standing tall, or running for the shadows to catch up with the silhouettes of who we see. there's a fine line between showing everything on your face and being a total silhouette.

i think i'll work on being somewhere in between

not everyone here

*disclaimer: this post will contain profanity. sorry.

"so don't let the world
bring you down
not everyone here is THAT FUCKED UP
and cold
remember why you came, and while you're alive,
experience the warmth, before you grow
old."
-incubus, the warmth.

i can always fall to incubus' the warmth whenever i need it. because sometimes i need to be reminded that the world isn't that fucked up and cold. that there are people who are good. there are people who understand the work people put in and appreciate that same work. people who don't a)complain about how dirty the restroom is and then B)complain about how long it takes to clean that same restroom. people can be: rude, disgusting, terrible, awful, cold. but not all of them. and not always. sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath and remind yourself that not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.

now, it's the morning after. i had a dream about a waterpark and a dog last night. it was probably the happiest dream i've ever had. it couldn't have come on a better night. i think i need to go to the waterparks soon.

The days just slip and slide
Like they always did
The trouble is my head
Won't let me forget
-the killers, why do i keep counting?

the trouble is, my head won't let me forget. as much as i want to just be done with yesterday and all that came with it, my head won't let me forget. but, i also remember the dream so anytime i think of yesterday, i'll just replace those thoughts with thoughts of the dream with a dog, and a waterpark. that should work?