nobody ever had a dream round here

"but i know that i can make it
as long as somebody takes me home,
everynow and then
everynow and then. . . "
-the killers, sam's town

last night, in a night i would categorize as one of the four worst nights i have had in my disney experience, i did not step foot off of disney property until 4:06AM.
well, here's the sad, sad story of unfortunate events
1. somewhere in the night in which i was scheduled from 6:15PM - 2:45AM i lost my id.
2. somewhere around 247AM i realize i lost my id
3. somewhere around 250AM the bus we had to specially request leaves disney's hollywood studios.
4. somewhere around 3AM tim searches hollywood studios for his id.
5. around 320, tim gives up.
6. tim goes to the bus stop, praying a bus comes
7. around 324 tim calls bus dispatch
and is told that one was on the way.
8. around 354 tim calls again and says where the fuck is my bus!!!!
9. around 406AM my bus finally comes, getting me home around 435AM.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand
that's the series of unfortunate events that is my life.

the whole time i was there, waiting, i was freaking out. sitting alone, on a bench i've sat on hundreds of times, but only one other time completely alone, and never once that late, that dark that well i won't say cold, because honestly this is florida, there is no cold (which friggin blows bytheway.) i was freaking out. it was as if the entire world i was used to was gone, replaced with a dark, unforgiving wasteland.

i'm alive, unhurt, and minus the serious sleep deprivation that will define the past 2/next 2 days of my life, largely unaffected. that's my life.

in 11 days, i go home. i'm very, very excited for it. it's kind of going to be a big deal trip. the brother gets married. i get to see friends and relatives that i haven't seen in months, some in years. i get to go back to cold weather, green chile, and hopefully at some point, the happy little house at 9 tablazon lane, where i spent so many years growing, living, sometimes doing nothing more there than sleeping (aka the last 10 days i spent in albuquerque.) what's odd about this trip is that, when i think about it, during the last 3 years between school's starting and thanksgiving i saw my family so very sparingly. maybe a visit for family weekend, and of course a trip for thanksgiving. but where this is different, is i've been here since may. usually between finals in may, and opening day in august, i'm spending a ton of time with my family. seeing them all everyday. ok, maybe not all of the fam, but seeing the fam on the regular. when i decided to go to florida, i threw that all out the window. i've seen my mom and my sister for a total of 3 days since i've been here, haven't seen my brother or father in months. i've talked to both of them, but talking only gets you so far. i think that's part of why i'm so excited about going home. i could literally sit here and list every reason i'm excited to go home, but it's nearly two thirty, i'm tired, plus, i don't really think anyone wants to read that. I am a little nervous though. i've lost a lot of weight since i was last seen by my family. i want someone to comment. i know it's shallow, i know it's petty, but i want someone to make a statement like "wow, you look great" or something like that. damn it that's vain.

i'm also nervous about leaving home. my mom cried when she dropped me off at the airport back in may. it was hard to leave. now, going home with the end in sight, but the hardest part still ahead of me, it's gonna be hard to come back. it's gonna be harder to get on that plane than it was back in may, it's gonna be hard for me to do.

but i know that i can make it, as long as somebody takes me home every now and then.

as i flip through the pages.

I've written roughly 100 blogs.

to be fair, a lot of them have been no more than a paragraph. a lot of them have been pointless drivel. a lot of them, from the heart. a lot of them never made it to the big show. they've seen me grow. physically, emotionally, spiritually, intelligently, and just about every way. they've seen the best of hope, the worst of despair. the best of me, the worst. the strongest, and the weakest. they've seen me post, only to take it away for feeling too whiny. there's been one who was tagged (bathrooms, life, love.) they've surprised me. the ones i feel really good writing, tend to slip un-commented. the ones i never feel as strong about, those are the ones everyone jumps on, and talks about. they're just words, but at the same time, they're so much more.

i guess i don't really have a point here. i thought i did. but i think i just needed to acknowledge that 1oo blogs later, this still means something to me.

do you believe in what you want? (II)

around 5 months ago, i wrote a blog titled "do you believe in what you want" it was in the days leading up to this experience. i was so pumped, so excited, so proud, so ready. that was a rare blog, in that it didn't slip by uncommented, like a lot of them do.

"Pretty bold claim to a question without a definitive answer, one which seems to have the exact opposite answer in some parts of the world... but I digress.

Godspeed sir - you will need it. I hope all is well!" - bryan p.

when he wrote that, he was a couple weeks into his own journey, his trip to guatemala.

"see of everyone who called,
very few said, we believe in you
the overwhelming choice said,
i'm just a boy inside a voice AND
if it's true, if it's true, if it's true,
then what the FUCK have i been doin
the past six years"
-fun, take your time (coming home)

everyone seemed excited for me. but very few said "we believe in you." am i saying no one supported me? no. please don't take it that way. it's just that none were as vocal in their support as bryan. and i appreciate it. each time it's brought a smile to my face. thank you buddy.

"i don't think i've been misled,
it was a rocknroll band
i'm still standin"

Aim and Ignite by the band fun. has not left my shuffle since it came out over a month ago. the two ends (and everything in between. (although Benson Hedges has been))of the album could stand to be shouted at the top of my lungs. in fact, they probably should be. i've lost my voice out here. not literally. i can still talk. but i don't sing. it's distressing. those who know me, even many who don't, will see me walking about campus with my headphones singing along. for whatever reason, i don't do it here. at least not often. at school it's basically always. here, basically never. it's rare. usually, at the end of the day is when i can find my voice. when i'm so tired, so frustrated, so done that i just don't care. take your time, and be calm though i can typically sing at least parts of out loud. i can't wait to be back in a place where i sing. so looking forward to getting on a plane and flying the hell out of orlando. packing my bags, packing my belongings into 3 large suitcases, 2 carryons and one personal item. lugging them all out of the apartment, getting them into the shuttle back to the airport, security, flight home, unpacking, repacking, the drive to flag, unpacking again, settling in, and starting over.

i'll put it up there again.
"spinning, and spinning
do you believe in what you want?
dancing - in plastic shake up snow
do you believe in what you want?"

this time, i'm not as sure on the answer.

When the Wheels come down.

"Well i wanted something better man,
I Wished for something new
and i wanted something beautiful
i Wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason man
Something to lose

when the wheels come down"
- wheels, foo fighters

I've always loved the foo fighters. from my first exposure in my brother's car listening to "the colour and the shape" to my increasing love of them, to trying (and failing) to get the first copy of the new album, to seeing them live (still one of the best nights of my life.) they're by far my favorite band, and have the closest thing to a favorite song i can ever claim (everlong) this new song though, sounds so unlike any other foo fighters song. believe me. i have 173 foo fighters songs in my library, and the only way you could possibly tell that this song is still the foo fighters is dave grohl's voice. but it works.

around five months ago, i packed my bags, got on a plane and flew to Orlando Florida. i wanted something better man. i wished for something new. i wanted something beautiful, i wished for something true. at the start, it was all of those things. it was better, it was new, it was beautiful, it was true. then things changed. it still can be those things, but never with the same luster it had at the outset. now i'm looking toward the end. looking forward to the wheels coming down again. this time in albuquerque. and then letting the wheels roll on to flag. i'm a child of the southwest. i've realized this. I can't stand the humidity, i can't stand that the night sky is starless on a good night. i mean what's the point of having night if there are no stars. i can't stand that the closest thing to decent mexican food here is chipotle. i always thought the bright lights of a big city were what i wanted out of life, but no. give me stars on a quiet night over a bustling skyline anyday.

"when you feel like it's all over
there's another round for you
when the wheels come down."

when the Orlando Experience is all done, there'll be another round for me, as soon as the wheels come down.