maybe dreams are just that. . .

i think it was about this time last year when i went to hastings, bought a copy of the rookie on dvd, and went back to that dream.

i am that kid. the kid who wants to make the catch that ends the world series, the kid that hits the walk off homerun, the kid the fans look to in the clutch. it started at an early age. for many years as a kid, i jumped from team to team, for a while it was the dodgers, for the year i was a baseball player for halloween, it was the tigers, in 2oo3, it shifted permanently to the red sox. say what you will about the 2005 movie, Fever Pitch, but i enjoy it. it's one of my movies i can go to when i need to just sort of watch something, along with the 2004 world series film dvd. (which, now that i've mentioned i might just watch, and i still need to buy the 2oo7 dvd. but that's beside the point) but the way Ben, the main character played by Jimmy Fallon feels about baseball in general is so close to the way i feel.

Ben: You know what's really great about baseball?
Lindsey: Hmm?
Ben: You can't fake it. You know, anything else in life you don't have to be great in - business, music, art - I mean you can get lucky.
Lindsey: Really?
Ben: Yeah, you can fool everyone for awhile, you know? It's like - not - not baseball. You can either hit a curveball or you can't. That's the way it works...
Lindsey: Hmm.
Ben: You know?
Ben: You can have a lucky day, sure, but you can't have a lucky career. It's a little like math. It's orderly. Win or lose, it's fair. It all adds up. It's, like, not as confusing or as ambiguous as, uh...
Lindsey: Life?
Ben: Yeah. It's - it's safe

there it is. baseball is my fallback, my bright spot on a cloudy day, my stress reliever. everyday during the warm months during high school my friend and i were out there, playing catch, and not just catch like you might play with your pops, no, this was crazy, pretend you're patrolling right field at fenway park during game 7 of the world series style catch.

i wish i had played. all the time, i wish i had played. every year during high school i said to myself, "i'm going to play this year" but every year, without fail, for whatever reason, i didn't wind up doing it. would i have been good? probably not. i'd probably been a reserve at best. but i wouldn't have cared. just to have a jersey on my back, would be incredible. i think that's part of the reason i was (still am) so excited when i found my sox jersey. because, let's be honest, that's probably the closest i'll ever come to wearing the number 16 for my sox.

but heck, there's no harm in having a dream.

Now, we play the waiting game.

when i'm stuck at the front desk, without my personal music library, i'm limited to pandora. a couple weeks ago, after listening to a friend play "under the bridge" on his acoustic guitar i decided i needed to refresh myself on some RHCP. today, that station was up and a song from the band's most recent release "Stadium Arcadium" came on. when it did, it reminded me of the summer that album came out. it was summer 2006. i remember because as a gift for my 18th birthday, my sister reserved a copy of it for me. i remember my birthday was a good two weeks before the album, but it was still exciting. i remember the album came out two weeks before graduation. for those two weeks, and the rest of that summer, that disc WAS my album. i remember late night drives back from hollywood video (oh that summer of work) listening to that album. i remember late afternoon drives TO hollywood video listening to that album. it's a good album.

uggh. waiting. always been one of my least favorite things out there. no matter what it is i'm waiting for. patience, as they say, is a virtue. patience, to me, is little more than something to create problems. i've never been very good at it. patience with others, sure. patience with myself and things i'm waiting for. . . not so much.

today i submitted my "application" (application is in quotes because there was no formal application, just submitting my resume and a cover letter) for what is probably as close to my dream job of being a major league baseball player as i may ever get. the application is for a Public Relations internship with MLBAM (major league baseball advanced media) but more closely with MLB.com. today was the application deadline, and i managed to get it sent off at 9:21PM. that time will be burned into my brain for the next few days, until i hear something, ANYTHING regarding moving on in this process. even though that time will likely not have anything to do with whether or not i move on, it'll still sit in my brain for a while. but, if nothing else, applying for this internship will have gotten my resume neater and given me a little bit of experience in cover letter writing. i just hope i get the chance to interview at least. . .

oh, little mirror you come in clearer.

Valentines day. 2009. self reflection.

it's kind of funny. i've spent most of the past two days with a big old smile on my face. you wouldn't think it to look at me, but i'm not one to get angry. i mean, it happens. but by the time i'm done being angry i am usually just drained. i guess because i don't really get too angry a lot that when i do, it's kind of compounded. it's not really funny i guess. i am really proud of what i've done so far this semester. i'm actually happy to go to the REC center and work out, if you'd known me before this year, that was the farthest thing from anything i'd enjoy. I'm still single. but i'm ok with that, more or less. granted, it's not the easiest thing, but i've begun to enjoy that. life isn't always great. this week, fuck, this semester has been proof of that. from its not so outstanding start, to its mellow underbelly, to its current, sort of blissful, state. i really like my classes. with two exceptions. my hair is the longest it's been since around sixth grade when i buzzed it for the first time. my friend bryan has the phrase "it's good to be alive" tattooed on his
side. and you know what. it is good to be alive. you lose sight of that sometimes, but it's a damn good thing to be alive.

there are times when i think of my younger days. i remember elementary valentines days. where everyone had their valentine box, and everyone brought everyone a valentine. if you were cool you got candy too. i kind of miss those days. but i know they had to end. so what am i going to do for valentines day being single again? same thing i've done since sixth grade when the everyone - everyone valentines exchange ended. i'm gonna put a red shirt on, sit, wait, and wish for the best. will it happen? who knows. maybe this is the year. maybe not. either way, the world goes on.

i'm gonna leave you with this. i've been incorporating song lyrics into my blogs lately, but this is gonna be a little different. i'm gonna leave you with the song i've been stuck on all morning.

Oh have you ever just stood there
And let the wind kiss your hair?
And put your head in a lion's mouth
But you didn't feel scared
Oh well I've stood there trembling
And still and will always be there

All the things I've hated, I've been before
I've fallen down slowly, just to kiss the floor
I've heard the hell hounds, clawin' at my door
Believe they wait, they hear your voice.

Oh, have you ever just stood there,
And watched the sun touch the land?
And reached down really slow
Just to kiss the forest sand.
Oh, well I've stood there smiling
And still, and will always be there.

All the things I've hated, I've been before
I've fallen down slowly, just to kiss the floor
I've heard the hell hounds, clawin' at my door
Believe they wait, they hear your voice.

All the things I've loved I've been before,
I've picked myself up off the floor
And heard the dawn break against the door
And known and believed it was something
More like a voice less like a noise
More like a soul less like a void

And you can learn to live without it
But your hearts gonna stay torn
And you can try hard not to need it
But you'll want it more and more
Its like the calm before the storm
OF COURSE

wild sweet orange- either/or

why.

why today?

of all days for something like this to happen, of all days to have to deal with something like this, why today?

"House is haunted
I just want to go for a ride
Out and on
Before I set this room alight
Left alone
Forever and for crimes unclear
With my patience gone
Someone take me far from here"
audioslave- gasoline

i say i've got, so many, better things.

i've got nothing.
you should see me.

sometimes people suck. before the day ends i've got to go look at my car and see if anything was stolen. yeah, i guess someone broke my passenger window. sooo, cool. and of course, it was said to be done before our lovely snow. thanks, asswipe.

i don't get people. i never have. why someone thinks it's a good idea to break someone's window (and possibly steal something) or why they think they can just do whatever they want with no sense of consequence whatsoever. but, what can you do? that's life. shit happens. what do you do? you take it with a grain of salt, or in my case a bowl of cap'n crunch's crunch berries, and keep going.

the funny thing is i'm less upset about the window break and more upset about the fact that i have to go deal with it. the fact that i have to take time out of my day, go take a look at it, file a police report, figure out where the crap to go to get the damn window fixed, get the damn window fixed, all because some d-bag broke it. f*** man. seriously. who does that??????

great.
just. friggin.
great.

it's driven me before

"sometimes i feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
and i can't help but ask myself how much i let the fear
take the wheel and steer."
incubus, drive

it's all i can do.

"i want to run
i want to hide
i want to tear down the walls
that hold me inside.
i want reach out
and touch the flame
where the streets have no name"
u2, where the streets have no name

if you all knew what it took me to put out a blog sometimes.
it sometimes takes me 3 or 4 different songs, 5 or six themes, and 7 or 8 times trying to get the wording right. i will type, delete, retype, delete, reword phrases as many times as it takes me to put it. a lot of what i write never even makes it past the chopping block. i don't know why. i think it's that part of me that screams for recognition. the part of me that wants to hear someone say "hey, i read your blog. good work." which is odd. because that's not the reason i have this. the reason i have this is so that i can post thoughts i feel comfortable sharing with the entire internet, or more truthfully, my four readers. sometimes they're entertaining, sometimes they're serious, sometimes they're both entertaining and serious. sometimes i don't know what the hell it's about. like this one.

what are your walls?
what's holding you inside?

what am I waiting for?

i don't know.
something amazing.
i guess.

and in this moment i am . . .

"room full of photographs
box full of letters
come on make it last
nothing else matters right now"
- foo fighters, another round.

i often find myself saying, i need to take more pictures.
pictures, as they say, are worth a thousand words.
what's weird is everytime i bring my camera somewhere with the intent of taking pictures, i always feel a little strange taking them. i'm not sure what it is. i just always feel a little out of place taking pictures. maybe that's just me.
i think i would take more if i had a film camera.
i love my digitals, but there's something that's lost. sure, you can take your pictures and get them developed, but you can still see them before. with film it was the picture you took was the picture you got. and you didn't know if it was good or bad. the picture was exactly what it was.

i hope to have enough pictures from my youth, that when i'm old and gray my kids will look at them and say "wow, you were young once" not that i plan on forgetting that fact, but it will be a nice reminder.

and if a picture says a thousand words,
take them till your words run out!
- authority zero, courage.

a foot in the fire and a foot in the ice.

sure,
you could have one foot in the fire
and one foot in the ice,
the average would seem fine.
but both of your feet are going to be incredibly uncomfortable.

i should go to bed.

i should go to bed.
but for some reason being awake seems better.
i don't know why.
i'm dead tired
but i just want to be awake.

i need a haircut, shower, and to do some homework. probably only two of those are going to happen.

last year,
i sat in my room superbowl sunday and watched the commercials, logged them, and blogged them.
i'm not doing that this year. that was just too much. and, i felt kind of lame doing it.
so.
ummm.
this is awkward.
i'm gonna go. . . place.