shattering silence with sound.

it's been pretty quiet within our little (and god i hate this term, why i'm using it, beyond me) blogosphere.

it could be the fact that it's nearing the end of the semester for most of us, it could be that we've all run out of thoughts, maybe it's everyone's at peace with where they are, and have no need to blog about it, maybe there's just nothing new.

whatever. i should have figured it was up to me to break the silence.

"The older you get the more you cry
The more you understand those awful crimes
It's got me every evening just hoping to die so
Every morning I thank God that I'm alive"
-wild sweet orange - Seeing & Believing

something's not right. nothing, in the medical sense, is wrong with me. I haven't been sleeping well lately. maybe it's the fact that i'm considering selling my bike. maybe it's the fact that i'll be in orlando in 30 days, and i haven't figured out where i'm staying, how i'm getting there, or how i'm getting to disney. maybe it's the fact that finals are 3 weeks from now, and i'm terrified of them. maybe it's the fact that all day i've needed to go to target, walmart, or somewhere else to buy soap. and haven't.

but honestly i don't think it's any of those. i mean it could be. but things like that don't typically interrupt me sleeping. or eating actually. i have been eating really oddly in the past few weeks. although, i often eat oddly. so i don't know if that has anything to do with it.

i've only once had my heart broken, i mean i was devastated. ask anyone who was around me for those 3 weeks. and if it hadn't been for that same heart it wouldn't have broken. that heart knew it shouldn't be that involved. that heart knew it couldn't end well. that heart knew what it was getting into, and didn't hesitate to keep moving. that heart KNEW how disastrously it was going to end. it knew it knew it KNEW it. and kept moving. kept hoping. kept praying. kept believing. oddly enough, i don't think that heart was dumb. i don't think it knew what it was doing, but i don't think it was wrong. i think i could have prepared it better. now it's in my head. that positivity. that hope, that belief, that movement, blocked in by the memories, and the rumours of impending doom that came out of that heartbreak. when i finally moved on, when i was finally happy, it was peaceful. but at the same time, i wasn't fully over it. it takes time. and no one can tell you how to handle it. they can talk to you about their past. their experiences. what they did, what they would do in your shoes. but they can't. at the end of the day it's your cross to bear, your pain to deal with, your sleepless nights.

anyway, 2 weeks ago i found myself back where i was. at that point 5 weeks away from the biggest life shift i've ever made. and now, i have no clue what to do. i've been trying hard to do what's right. it turns out, i have no idea what is right in this situation. i don't know if there is a right answer. i'm kind of thinking there isn't.

if i only knew the answer i wouldn't be bothering you.